why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
