I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
