oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
