Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
