I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
40s are totally the cure
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
