1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
