You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
