Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
