I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
