I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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