dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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