Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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