Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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