A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
