The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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