We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize