I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
