Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
