my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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