went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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