it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
