Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
