were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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