dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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