Your dad touched me again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
