seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
