i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
