He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
