Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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