Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As shirtless as possible
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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