I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
