ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
