I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
