im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
