One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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