I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
