If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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