You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
