i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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