i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
