my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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