Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize