this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
