I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
