We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
