I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
