There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
