i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
