Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
