wanna go halves on a baby?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
