my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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