You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
