what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
