I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
