the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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